Update

So my ex and I have been keeping contact, staying friends. Except, I think it's not good, because I feel like we're still dating. And then he felt like he might not want what he thought he wanted, and part of him wanted to get back together. And idk. I brought up how constant contact might not be good for us if we're not supposed to be together anymore. I could tell he was upset, and I felt so bad. I don't know how I'm supposed to act. If I try to act like we're just friends, he gets sad, and if I get too close, I'm worried I won't be able to move on. Anyway. I need to figure out what I'm going to do. Comments with advice would be greatly appreciated.

Change

Well it's been a couple weeks. And I've had a big change happen just a couple days ago. My boyfriend and I broke up a couple days ago. I'm surprisingly doing very well with it, though I think it's because we've kept contact, since today I didn't get to talk to him and I'm sad.

Let me explain what happened. Last week we started doing really well, getting along and joking around. It was great, and I really missed it. And then Friday I had to tell him some bad news. I was supposed to fly down and meet him when he lands back in the states, but I didn't even realize that the date he comes home is around the same time my sister is having her baby. So obviously I can't go see him, unless she has the baby early. And I told him this. He was not happy, to put it extremely simply. We had a big fight about it, and talked a little bit the next day. Things weren't looking well, so I knew it was time to talk on Sunday. And we did, and we agreed it was best if we split. It was mutual, I will say that. And we're going to stay friends.

Now our "plan" is that we're going to be single from now until he's out of the army, which will be late summer of 2013. After that time we're going to meet up, see how we're doing, and go from there. The time apart will be used to get settled in our lives and grow.

I think this was good for us. I really do. Now it's just a matter of getting on with our lives, staying strong, and dealing with our problems as they come our way.

I wonder if he knows how painful this is

So it's been a couple weeks. I don't even know how to start this, how to write this out. Last I wrote it was about my boyfriend going back and forth about what he wants. Well it's happened again. We had a talk about a week and a half ago about us and our relationship. I felt since a lot of time had passed since we decided to slow down, we could talk about how we were doing now. He agreed and felt we could discuss it. He said he felt we were doing pretty well, and that slowing down helped us, but he's feeling conflicted. He still has "strong feelings for me" (oh yeah, he told me back in Feb that he's not in love with me anymore, but he still cares for me) but he feels as though he's missing out on other things. He feels he's missing out on a bachelor's life.

I don't even know how to react any more. I'm starting to get how I used to before. I'm going numb, I can feel myself just kind of....slipping away emotionally. I guess that's how I could put it. I keep repeating in my head "this is what you deserve, you're not special enough for a relationship." I feel this big. I feel like I don't even matter. There's other things that he has said, but I don't feel like talking about it again. Though that's the point of a blog right? To talk about things. And a personal blog is to talk about personal things. Like a journal I suppose. I just.....I don't know. I have a really low self-esteem, I don't really think highly of myself, whether it be physically or as a person in general. The few friends I have told this to tell me I'm crazy for thinking that way about myself. They tell me that I'm an amazing person. None of this is being said with any conceited undertones, I honestly don't really believe those things fully. I feel extremely average. But when they say that, it does give me a boost. So recently I've been trying to talk about myself positively (if about myself at all). When I talk to my boyfriend, I'll say things like how I'm a beautiful person, I'm amazing, etc. Half joking, half trying to keep my spirits up. Also, when I say I'm a beautiful person, I don't mean just physically. Though while I do sometimes feel I could be considered attractive, I mean that I'm a wonderful person. Anyway, when I said things like that, he told me (jokingly he says) that I need to lower my ego.

So I'm crazy if I have low self-confidence, but too much of an ego if I say I'm a beautiful person. And I don't even say I'm the MOST beautiful or something like that. I say it in a self-confident way, in a way that says I'm happy with who I am, and I told him that's how I meant it. He seemed to listen, but I don't know. 

I always seem to ramble with these. I don't even know if anyone really reads these. As I was sitting here considering what I should type next, I started thinking about how depressing and selfish my blog must sound. I don't mean it to be, I just tend to use this more for venting than actual updates of my life. And I really try as best as I can to avoid being selfish in my life. Does anyone know what it's like to go through what I'm going through? Am I alone here? Or have other people had their significant other have trouble deciding if they should stay with the person or wonder if they'd rather have one-night stands? Has anyone else been hurt in the same way I'm being hurt right now? If anyone is reading, please say something.

Update. As of now: For myself

So it's been a very long time. Last I posted I think I was recovering from my surgery, and I was having problems with my fiance. Well a lot has happened. After my surgery, I recovered. I'm still doing very well as far as my back goes. A month after my surgery, and I got the go-ahead for exerting myself and could stop being SUPER careful, I started using a bicycle to get around campus. Two days after the go-ahead, I crashed my bike. Fractured my elbow and tore up my chin. When I fell I landed on my chin and skidded. The only damage on my head was my chin was cut open, and it scarred. No chip teeth, no fracture in the jaw. I got really lucky. And my elbow fracture was small enough that I only needed to wear a sling for a week and a half. I was really lucky.

I used to work in the photo lab on campus. I lost that job. For two weeks in February my fiance came home on leave. It had been 8 months since I had seen him. As soon as I got the exact dates, I told all my teachers what was happening, and that I wouldn't be in classes. I know it's a lot of school to miss, but considering the situation, I didn't care. One of my teachers was also my boss for the photo lab. She knew what was going on. And so did my coworkers. Everyone knew. When I talked to my teachers, I told each of them I'd be online to check email a couple times a day, so I could do work and send it in. My photo teacher (and boss) and I came to an agreement that she was going to make up an assignment sheet and email it to me. All of my teachers agreed to these arrangements. I talked to my coworkers about covering my shifts. They said they would see when I worked, but it shouldn't be a problem. So I left. I am very responsible, and I wouldn't have left so easily if I had thought for one second that things weren't arranged. A week after I left, I received an email from my Photo teacher. Here is the email:

             I am writing out of concern for you absences and missing work. You mentioned your fiance being in town but that does not relieve of the responsibility to have your shifts covered and attend classes. At this point you have 3 unexcused absences for last week and today, which will drop your final grade by one full letter, 5 absences = failing the class. As I stated in the beginning of the semester, the attendance policy is strict, and very clearly spelled out in the syllabus. It is essential that you attend during class time for the remainder of the semester. While we had discussed some flexibility in attending all classes, that is no longer an option, as I have seen nothing of you or your work. Attendance is required.

Additionally, missing work is unacceptable. I need to know when you will return and have you find someone to cover your shifts. I need names and dates.           is covering Wednesday evening so that is covered. However, last night you did not work and students were not able to complete their assignments. This cannot continue.

I hope to hear from you.

So, apparently when I talk with my teacher and tell her "I'm not going to be here because it's been 8 months since I've seen my fiance" and she responds "Oh okay that's fine. I'll email you an assignment for you to work on" she REALLY means "Yeah I'm not listening to a word you're saying and I expect to be seeing you in class." I met with her after I got back to campus, and apologized for what happened and told her I NEVER would have done that if I had thought my shifts weren't covered, and it would NEVER happen again. What did she say? 

"Well I'm not really comfortable with you working here anymore....sooo.....I can't have you working here."

So I lost my job. Just like that. No second chances. Never mind the fact I worked a week after serious back surgery, never mind the fact I worked with a fractured elbow (oh and it was my dominant arm mind you, so I couldn't do anything). When I tried to fight for it, I said "I talked to _____ and _______ though about covering my shifts! They told me it shouldn't be a problem!" "Well they remember different conversations." One shift wasn't covered. One. Even though I did everything I was supposed to, I'm still in the wrong.

And what did I do it for? I did it with the intent of having two weeks open and free time to spend with the name I love that I haven't seen in 8 months. Which, barely happened. First he was delayed a couple days. Because it wasn't his fault, they extended his dates so his two weeks started on the day he landed. So I still only two weeks from when I left school, he had two weeks from a couple days after that. My two weeks was now a week and a half. I saw him the night he came home. It was wonderful. The next morning he went out to see friends. Alright. He didn't come home that night. He came home during the next afternoon, to change. Then he left again. Did the same kind of thing for 3 days. Over 3 days, I saw him for about 6 hours, slept next to him for one night. What was he doing? Getting drunk. Every night. And I'm not kidding. I saw him Friday night, he passed out shortly after we got to his friends house together. He slept for 12 hours. After we got back to his mom's house, I'm trying to remember, but I think he left again. From that Friday night till that coming Monday I don't remember much. We had a special night together Monday night. We got a hotel room, ate at the fancy restaurant inside. It was such a wonderful night. No phones (until after dinner that is), we just spent time together. We had such a great time. 

Oh, I remember now. What happened in between those days. He did go out, and he came back Sunday, with a friend. His mom was sick of seeing me being ignored and left behind. Every time he stopped home to change, or called her to update, she would ask what his plans were and he would say "Oh going to ____'s house" or something like that. She would ask "Are you taking Maddy with you?" "No; probably not; Nah; I don't think so." When he came Sunday, after going shopping and spending a lot of money on himself, she immediately brought him into her room. Turns out she had a big talk with him, and he came out to me and asked if I wanted to talk. He and I had discussed having a big heart to heart when he came home, but he kept avoiding it. Now, with his friend in the house, he wanted to talk. We go into his brothers room (where we slept, his brother let us use the room while he was home) and talk it out. The talk did go well, and he and I have been doing better since. The first that came up though was the biggest thing. He felt we had moved into the engagement too quickly, and wanted to just slow down a bit. I agreed. So now we're dating, not engagement. He is no longer my fiance, he is my boyfriend. He and I are doing better, but still. A week after he left he told me he done a lot of thinking while traveling. He thought about how wrong he was in ignoring me during his time home, and how I sacrificed so much for him. He wants us to get legally married in July when he comes home for after tour leave.

I just can't keep going back and forth like that! It's such serious whiplash, and I can't keep doing it. This is the biggest example, but he's done this before. Told me he wanted to break up, and then change his mind. It needs to stop. I love him, but I can't keep moving back and forth on his whim.

Now I'm not moving down south, since we'd have to be married for us to have our own place, the only reason I'd move. If we're not even engaged, there's no point. I'm also transferring out of the college I'm at, and changing majors. I've been lying to myself that I want to do anything artistic. I don't have the passion for it. I did find something I do have passion for though. Language. I absolutely love learning Foreign Language. Right now I'm learning Mandarin, Japanese, and Italian. It's hard work keeping up, but I love it. 

In a matter of days, all my plans changed. Just a few months ago I was trying to plan to move down south, and figure out how I was going to make a living with photography. Now I'm transferring home and trying to change my entire educational career, and hope I can find something that can work for me. Also trying to handle my family dealing with me about the change in relationship. My mother makes sure to make mention of the change in relationship almost every time we talk, my sister wants us to sit and talk face to face because "she doesn't want to lose me." Because, you know, me slowing down with my boyfriend equals shunning my sister. I'm sick of dealing with any sort of drama. I'm slowly caring less and less about what anyone else does and am focusing more on myself. Not in a selfish way, but in a taking care-of-myself-finally way. That's what I've been needing to do all this time. Take care of myself. I can't promise I'm going to completely change to that, and I definitely won't become selfish and will focus on others too. It's just that I would put a lot of people and their feelings above my own, to the point where it hurts me. The more I type this the more selfish it sounds, but I swear that's not how I mean it. I just need to start doing things for myself for once, and not for someone else or to avoid a problem with someone else. This is way too long I'm ending this post here.

I don't know what to do anymore

It's been a very long time since I've posted. In that time I've dropped a class, recovered from my back surgery, fractured my elbow, recovered from that, lost contact with my fiance for a month due to him changing bases and internet being closed down, got contact back, been on winter break, registered for 6 classes, worked over winter break, stressed out back, had 2 fights with my fiance. The latest fight was last night, we talked about it today, but then before he went to bed he brought up something else that has caused more stress.

I just.....I don't know anymore. I love him so much, there's not much I wouldn't do for him. If something doesn't go his way, or if he doesn't agree with something, he becomes so angry and mean. I don't deserve it, and he's admitted it. He continues to act this way though. He'll get mean, and apologize for it, get mean, apologize, back and forth. This last time with his apology he also made sure to include points that put me at fault. During the fight he told me I was a leech with a rope around his neck, so he would be extremely vague with me hoping I'd "get the hint" and leave him alone. Looking back, this vagueness started just a couple months after we started dating. We've been together almost 2 years. In his mind, the correct path was to act that way, not sit down with me and discuss things. You want to know what I do that is "leech" like?

Conversation:
Me: Hey :)
Him: Hi
Me: What are you up to?
Him: Nothing, just hanging out.
Me: Oh yeah :) ? With who?
Him: Friends
Me: Oh okay, well sounds fun then.

My "clingyness" is trying to keep conversation! Seriously. All I would try to do is keep conversation, especially with the distance I do my best to keep contact, and he sees it as being a leech and trying to keep a leash on him. Seriously? When he apologized he said "I'd be more open about details if you would just give me more space." REALLY? I don't give you space!? I am ALWAYS saying to him "I know you've got things to do; I understand if you don't get online I know you're busy" And shit like that. And if he goes to sign off and do something else, I just let it happen. While for me, if it's 1:30 in the morning and I want to sleep, I get attitude about it.

This is just one example of how things can sometimes be. I try my hardest to make sure he knows I'm thinking about him, especially if something is happening I let him know I'm considering his side. If I talk about myself though: "You never consider how I'm feeling, why don't you put yourself in my shoes" I just don't know what to do anymore. My brain is telling me that things might not work out, and he might not be ready for this sort of commitment and that's why he's acting this way, but I love him so much. It's been over 6 months since I've seen him, hugged him, kissed him. I hate this distance so much. I'm hoping it's just this distance that's making us act/feel this way. I also think he needs to talk to someone about this anger of his. When ever something bothers him, he immediately goes into a rage and takes it out on those around him, mainly me. He said to me, and I quote "When ever I'm pissed, I like to make sure everyone around me knows it."

I hope this is something that can be worked out. I don't want to lose him. I love him, unconditionally and with my entire being. Does he love me just as much though?

Recovering

I got my surgery on Monday for my back. While I was terrified, I am very relieved I got it done. I remember lying on the bed, with everyone telling me to take deep breaths from the mask, then the next thing I knew I was waking in recovery. I was nauseous and sore, but it was done. I stayed overnight so they could make sure I started to recover and nothing went wrong. I was up and walking just hours after the surgery. It's now Friday, and I'm feeling SO much better :)

I'm still a bit sore, but the pain I used to have is now gone. The soreness is only from the incision itself. I'm going back to school in a couple days. I haven't written since before my surgery because up until yesterday, I was sleeping nearly all the time. I would go to sleep for the night and sleep 12 hours, then after being awake for 2-3 hours, I'd be tired again and start to pass out. I'm doing better now though.

I have only two worries now regarding my body. 1) How horrible the scar will look 2) While recovering I still can't do any sort of exercise and I'm not supposed to be on my feet so I can rest, so I'm gaining weight from lack of moving. If the scar really does form all gross-like, I'm going to get a tattoo of a rose to cover it, and the scar will be the stem. I'm going to try to seriously cut down on the junk I eat, and try to do some form of ab exercise that doesn't require moving my back in any sort of extreme way. Once I find that magical exercise.

I just can't wait to be fully recovered and be able to do normal day-to-day things without pain. I honestly cannot remember what it feels like to sleep without pain. It'll be nice to have nights like those again.

Surgery

I'm getting surgery tomorrow afternoon. I'm terrified. Everyone is telling me I'll be okay, but I'm still scared. My sister is more worried I won't be able to be in her wedding than if I'll be okay. I told her today I was getting it done tomorrow (instead of the originally planned week from now) and she asked "Why so soon?" "I just want to get it done with so I'm better" "Oh for the wedding." "....No, for myself. So I won't be in pain anymore." "Oh right"

So apparently my sister is more concerned with her wedding going correctly than she is with my welfare. Whatever.

I can't stop thinking about tomorrow. I'm afraid of the needles and knives to come.